Ask Dog

Should I be worried that my boyfriend is into handguns? No, let me put it this way — he’s freaking obsessed about handguns!

He owns about 6 or 7 of them (legally). I didn’t know this, when I met him 4 months ago. He’s more open about his guns now and he even poses with them in front me and the mirror! He loves acting all cool and stuff.

He hasn’t threatened me in any way but he’s just so… sad and pathetic! I initially liked him because he was a great dancer and kisser. Now I’m not sure anymore… I’m not sure if he’s worth it?

He’s not that good in bed. As of for the old cliche about guns and small penis sizes — it’s true about him (but penis size is not that important to me).

I’m not sure what to do?

You don’t need to ask for advice… you have already made up your mind. Hope you have better luck with your next boyfriend!

Gun nuts are called “nuts” for a reason — they are freaking nuts! Guns are designed to kill and maim as effectively as possible… Is that a healthy “obsession” for normal and sane human beings? No, it is not!

Get the heck out of there before he starts projecting his obsessive nature in your direction.

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- Dog

I have had unprotected sex with my boyfriend close to a hundred times in the last couple of months and haven’t gotten pregnant. At first, he was scared to death that I would get pregnant, but as nothing has happened, both of us have relaxed quite a bit about it.

Before he used to pull out and get off in a tissue, but in the last couple of weeks he has been getting off on my stomach and places like that. A couple of times my fingers have gotten in to his semen and I didn’t think about it until my fingers where in my vagina. He has touched my “down there” too after touching his own semen.

Can I get pregnant from touching semen then touching myself?

Your quote: “I have had unprotected sex with my boyfriend close to a hundred times in the last couple of months and haven’t gotten pregnant.”

A proper grown-up sentence would read: “I have had unprotected sex with my boyfriend close to a hundred times in the last couple of months and haven’t gotten pregnant, YET.”

If you keep doing what you are doing, it’s all a question of time before you have a baby growing inside you. You have been lucky so far if you hope to avoid 8 lbs. tearing itself through your birth canal.

There’s a risk of pregnancy every time his penis enters your vagina. He doesn’t have 100% control of when things leak out of his little buddy…

Semen on your body, if transferred to your vagina, could get you pregnant…

I’m sure you have heard of accidental pregnancies… You thought you were the only female on the planet for whom it didn’t apply? You thought you were somehow “immune”?

You are not very swift, are you?

You have to use some form of birth control if you hope to avoid a pregnancy. As you have shown that you have minimal connection to the real world — insist that you boyfriend also uses a condom, to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.

It you are talking about an imaginary boyfriend — there’s zero risk of a pregnancy and STDs.

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- Dog

Why am I obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend? I was together with my boyfriend for 8 months, before I broke up with him. We were separated for about 3 months. During this time, he made friends with this girl (she already had a boyfriend). They cuddled and did mushy stuff. They wrote each other cute love emails and things of that nature.

We got back together again, but the other girls kept calling him all the time to do stuff and she still wrote him those e-mails. This made me feel very uncomfortable, so I broke up with him again! Now she’s calling even more than before!

After seeing my boyfriend, we decided to get back together again. He said he realized that the other girl was interfering too much in our relationship.

I still haven’t aired things out with this other girl. She is constantly on my mind, and just the thought of her makes me angry! She is in my head constantly (even in my dreams!)

She has hurt me so much and I want justice!

Why you are obsessed with this girl? Either you have a mental illness or you are extremely immature. I have no idea how old you are, but judging by your writing (before basic spelling and grammar corrections) you are seem to be about 12 or 13. Grow up!

Please break up with this guy for a third time! Third time lucky, eh? Give the guy a chance to find himself a girlfriend who isn’t neurotic and childish! You are too much work! You are not worth the effort!

Ok, so maybe he is a complete loser… but for the love of Jebus don’t project your anger at a female who is as confused as you are.

You don’t need a boyfriend — you need a brain, and a life.

Read some books and better yourself! You need it badly…

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- Dog

Should I be worried that my boyfriend doesn’t call me anymore? He says he has been working hard for the last couple of weeks, and is too tired to call me when he gets home.

The thing is that it started like 3 months ago! He doesn’t call at any time of the day, or on weekends.

It’s always me calling him, leaving messages, and setting up dates. I have to insist! I shouldn’t need to insist, should I?

He doesn’t sound like a boyfriend… or a friend even… I’m not sure what you have here?

If he doesn’t feel the need to see you — what do you have, really?

Let him know what you expect from him, and then start looking for another boyfriend. I’m sure it will come to that.

He’s being disrespectful and a total butt. No matter how freaking tired he is — one call to let you know that he’s still alive, shouldn’t be too much to ask for.

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- Dog

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I only have sex with prostitutes. I don’t remember ever being with a normal woman!

The problem is that only prostitutes turn me on. I have tried a few times and women in general don’t give me a hard-on. I can’t get it up!

Is there any thing wrong with this? Am I destined to have sex with prostitutes for the rest of my life? I have never had a normal sexual relationship, only with prostitutes.

What is it about prostitutes?

First of all, there are no “normal” women — only women… Some work as prostitutes, others work as mechanics, nurses, teachers etc.

Why are you only interest in prostitutes? I could’t tell you… I have no idea.. You tell me! What is about paying for sex that turns you on?

1. You enjoy being in control? (Hookers do what you pay them to do).
2. You are afraid you can’t please a woman? (Hookers don’t care).
3. You are confused and hate women (Hookers are an easy target).
4. You are utterly uninteresting (Hooker at least care about your wallet).
5. You have a very small penis (Hookers are always happy to see you).

I suggest you make an appointment with a shrink. He or she will be able to help you sort out your crossed wires. Going through life taking advantage of women is not good for the soul.

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- Dog

I had this dream the other night, where I came a cross a herd of grazing unicorns in a meadow. Long story short: they end up ripping my clothes off and raping me with their horns.

I also remember later giving birth to a beautiful elven boy. I’m not 100% sure if it was an elf, but it was a boy.

What does my dream mean? My friend thinks it means I will have a baby, and not being sure who the father is.

What do you think?

Imagery in dreams is all symbolic… Your dream means that you will shortly inherit an insignificant amount of money, which will in drive you in to a life of prostitution and debauchery.

Then again, it could simple mean you need to be medicated.

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- Dog

I have this new girlfriend who’s totally cold, and sometimes completely nuts in bed. It’s very distracting! I have no idea when I’m doing it right for her. No idea!

I have tried talking to her but she’s feels awkward about her sexual feelings and needs, and orgasms (if any).

How do I tell if she is faking her orgasms?

Does it matter? She’s simply losing out if she’s faking her orgasms…

Some telltale signs of orgasms not being there:

1. She “ohhhs” and “ahhhs” but never misses a stitch in her needle point.
2. She doesn’t bother putting her mother on-hold while on the phone.
3. She never groans, not even when her head is hitting the bed’s headboard.
4. She never comes close to snapping your neck with her thighs.
5. She looks more like an angry hippo than a clubbed seal pup afterwards.

Funny thing, for some women, the legs open first, then the heart and mind follows. She’ll talk to you when she’s ready. Meanwhile, don’t push it too much — just enjoy the ride…

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- Dog

Can I post naked pictures of my wife on the Internet? Is it legal? She wouldn’t know about it.

I have been married for 6 years and my wife is hot and crazy, and I have been toying with the idea of trading wife pics.

We are husband and wife so there shouldn’t be any legal issues, right?

Don’t do it… Your quote: “She wouldn’t know about it”… The Web isn’t THAT big really.

I have no idea about the legalities, but I would assume she has the right to her privacy even though she is married… From a moral standpoint — you are breaking her trust, and it’s just plain wrong.

What exactly did you hope to accomplish? The Web is full of imagery… You don’t need to peddle nude pictures of your wife to view them.

Take a second to think! Is it worth risk flushing it all away for some weak-arse “kicks”?

Again, don’t be an idiot!

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- Dog

I had a threesome with my boyfriend and a girlfriend of mine, about 6 months ago. It sort of just happened, and I was drunk. I didn’t like it and I swore I would never do it again, as it just didn’t feel like a loving thing to do with an “exclusive” and ”loving” partner.

I felt horrible for the longest time, and the other girl and I hardly talk anymore. It feels awkward and embarrassing being in the same room as her!

Since then he has been pushing me to try it again, and to talk to one of my other girlfriends. I have said to him that I don’t want to do it again, but he keeps pushing and pushing the issue.

I’m starting to feel that he getting one of my other girlfriends in bed is more important than what my needs and wants are.

Why are threesomes so important to my boyfriend? I feel inadequate in the way he is pushing me, and I’m starting to doubt if he really cares for me at all. He’s not “all that” in his pants or bed either… I taught him what he knows!

What should I do?

How about if you ask for a foursome with two of his well-hung and better looking friends? That might shut him up…

He’s being selfish and is on a huge ego trip. If he doesn’t shut up about it even after you tell him how you feel — boot his arse out. Plain and simple! If he doesn’t care what you think and feel, what’s the point of your relationship?

You pimping out your girlfriends to satisfy his ego is not the way to relationship or marital bliss (or success…)

Everything is “easier” when you live life in singledom (or the life of a simpleton) or in a non-committed (open) relationship, because you have less to lose. Add a true partnership and real friends to the mix and things can quickly end up in the toilet.

Look up “friend” in the dictionary. Nowhere is threesomes, nakedness and sex mentioned. Sure, there are people out there who are perfectly giddy about pimping each other out, but if it’s not for you — it’s not for you!

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- Dog