Ask Dog

Why are my boobs itchy? It drives me mad sometimes! When I get home, I always rip of my bra, put on a t-shirt, and scratch like crazy! Obviously, scratching my boobs in public is not proper or lady-like.

I didn’t used to have this problem until I turned about 17. I have tried different ointments before I go out clubbing but it often makes things worse. I have talked to my girlfriends and they don’t have any problems.

What’s going on?

As mentioned on this website a few times — I’m a dude. Any boobs I might grow in the future would be insignificant, compared to even the least endowed woman on the planet… but I’ll do my best!

1. Dry skin = not good…
2. Clothes/bras that don’t breath = not good…
3. Skin on skin rubbing = not good…
4. Medical unknowns = not good…
5. The obvious…

 Possible solutions:

1. Proper boob/skin cream = less itching… Moisturizer recommended by a pharmacist?
2. Solving sweat wetness/stickiness = less itching… Cotton should make things more comfortable than say, polyester, leather, plastic or liquorice, no?
3. Boobs grow and sag… Less skin rubbing together = less itching… Proper fitting (or no… (my personal preference…)) bra?
4. Solving any allergies/irritations due to materials, and washing and drying additives = less itching… Different detergents and bra manufacturers?
5. If you are ok in your t-shirt only… Your problem is 1, 2, 3 or 4 (or a combination of all). See an experienced nurse or dermatologist — they have heard and seen it all…

I have no experience tending to boobs attached to my own torso… Your best bet is to ask more direct questions to female friends. How about simply asking women who specialize in fitting bras?

If all else fails: why not try the forum?

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- Dog

As a follow up to the “Are mermaid real?” question… Let’s say you were wrong (for once…) and mermaids were in fact real. How would I go about catching or fishing for one (theoretically speaking of course).

There’s a lot of information on their likes and dislikes, but sifting through it all is quite painful.

How do I catch a mermaid?

This is in regards to: http://www.askdog.com/2008/06/26/are-mermaids-real/

Supposedly, the most effective (and also most dangerous) method is to rub yourself all over with a smoked mackerel, and swim around and bark like a wounded seal. If you are heavy-set, going for dying walrus movements is probably a better bet.

The mermaids are said to not being able to resist an easy meal. When they come to feed on you, club them with a baseball bat or shoot them with a harpoon. Mermaids are quick in the water, so do not miss! Mermaids are by many accounts, ferocious predators and you probably only get one go at it, at the risk of turning in to mermaid sustenance.

According to some people, as many as 30-40 Norwegian mermaid poachers go missing in P.E.I. (Prince Edward Island) waters every year. Often you will only find their feet floating ashore.

A less dangerous method? Get a barbershop quartet together to sing lullabies on the shore. Close harmony, and jolly, singing is said to lure mermaids to investigate. I assume, all you would need, is to have a sniper at the ready for that perfect (seconds to execute) headshot when a mermaid breaks the water.

Supposedly, it’s tricky to spot mermaids quickly bobbing the surface, especially at night. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to see one through the scope on a sniper rifle. It might take a while…

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- Dog

I’m a girl and I have a question about erections. What causes males to get erections?

I would like an answer please.

No matter what the male is doing… No matter what time it is… No matter where he is… The physical presence, photo imagery, sculpture, drawing, thought, touch, smell or the taste of a:

An attractive woman naked…
An attractive woman clad scantily…
An attractive woman wearing a business suit…
An attractive woman in funky animal pelts…
An attractive woman wearing layers of dirty shower curtains…

… will cause erections. So, be careful! Erections pop up when you least expect it!

Definition: An attractive woman = any available woman. If you wish to cause one, just leave your house.

In short: everything causes erections!

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- Dog

At a tarot card reading a couple of months ago, I was told I would have a baby at young age (I’m 16). Last night, I got really, really drunk and had unprotected sex with this guy I met at Burger King.

Scared I’m pregnant — what should I do?

Tarot cards didn’t have anything to do with… You were probably dressed as, and acted like, an ignorant slut, which made the “psychic” come to an obvious conclusion. Early 20’s is still young, which would have given you ample time to realize any “prophecies”… You just made it happen quicker than anticipated.

What to do? How about talking your local, friendly pharmacist about a “Morning After” pill?

Next time, stay sober… stay dressed… stay unpregnant!

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- Dog

My girlfriend tastes funny! I’m wondering if I can do anything about it?

I recommend a Kansas City spice rub and proper attention to grilling techniques:

1. 1/2 cup brown sugar.
   1/4 cup paprika.
   1 tablespoon black pepper.
   1 tablespoon salt.
   1 tablespoon chili powder.
   1 tablespoon garlic powder.
   1 tablespoon onion powder.
   1 teaspoon cayenne.
2. Grill on indirect heat (~275° F) until meat easily comes off the bone.
3. Brush on lots of your favourite BBQ sauce.
4. Tent/cover tightly with foil until the temperature is at least ~100° F lower than when right off the BBQ.
5. Enjoy with a cold Dab beer.

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- Dog

I’m a private person, perhaps a bit shy even. My problem is that I’m not sure how to tell my boyfriend when it’s my time of the month — when I have my period.

I simply avoid him when I have my period. He’s befuddled when I push him away when he wants to be intimate. I can’t “do it” when I have my period, as it would be very messy.

I’m afraid he will think I’m not interested anymore when I push him away. What should I do?

How do I talk to my boyfriend about my period?

You are not too shy to get naked and have sex, but you are too shy to tell him when you can’t? It sounds a bit backwards…

Simply tell him, “Aunt Flo is in town, so you will have to hang on for a few days”. He’ll understand and think nothing of it.

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- Dog

How do I make/trick/bully/coerce my catholic boyfriend into having sex with me?

Basically, I will go to any lengths to force my boyfriend into having sex with me… bar marrying him obviously. He will do everything but full penetration, which he thinks, is wrong because of some “God issues”.

I really love him (well not enough to marry him (we’re only 22)) and as far as I can see, God has done nothing for him… except drag him out of bed on Sunday mornings when he’s hung over and should be sexing me.

Please help me! I’m pure gagging for it!

Yes, I agree, he has some “issues” and it’s quite possible it has nothing to do with God or any other fairytale being. There’s no such thing as “half-a-sin” in Catholicism, so he using his God as an excuse, is very weak. He’s “sinning” already, so going all out doesn’t make a difference in terms of the “bad” committed.

I think your boyfriend enjoys the “everything else” more than the whole tamale… He’s making excuses… very weak excuses.

Tame that lame bronco! Next time when the opportunity present itself — jump in the saddle, slap his arse, and hang on for the ride. I think he will forgive himself (and you) when he realizes how fun it can be.

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- Dog

I have been seeing my girlfriend for about a good month now, we met over the internet, and we both fell in love with each other instantaneously! The issue is that she is already married, but unhappily and she wants to leave him, and she lives on the other side of the country.

The problem is she is scared to because they have an 8-month infant, and she is also afraid of being “hurt” if she tells him that she wants a divorce. He is extremely controlling and tries to run every aspect of her life. She has been a victim of marital rape, which is illegal in her state.

I want very much to go and rescue her and get her out of that situation. The problem is neither of us are able to afford to relocate, I am always there for her and I need to know what sort of options we might have. I need to help her but I’m not exactly sure what I can do.

Do you have any advice for our relationship?

She is not your “girlfriend”… She is a “wife” to someone else. You two are only exchanging bodily fluids on occasion; you are infrequent “bed mates”. If you haven’t even met in person — you two are barely even “pen pals” (and she’s probably playing you).

If her husband is an abuser and a rapist — she should go to the police, and then as far away from him as possible.

I don’t think she’s the innocent victim of all the evil in the world… and this is not your situation to fix. She has to step up to the plate and deal with her own situation, which she has now made worse by meddling with you.

Again, if there is abuse and rape — go to the Police! Using it as an excuse to screw around is pathetic. The whole description of the situation sounds skewed and more like “half-a-story”.

Probably not what you hoped to hear but that’s my advice based on your limited information.

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- Dog

My son is 3 years old and only eats pancakes — for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It’s pancakes with jams, syrups and chocolate. I cannot get him to eat any fresh fruit or vegetables at all.

How can I make him stop eating pancakes?

Don’t make him pancakes…

He will eat what’s in front of him when he is hungry.

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- Dog

I’m a very sexual person and I have been with my current boyfriend for almost 2 years. I love him but lately I haven’t had any interest in having sex with him. Things feel different between us. I’m not sure why that is… It just does!

It’s been about two months since we last had sex, I think. Now my boyfriend has started to think there’s “something going on”. I have told him there is no one else, but he doubts me.

I know I love him but he doesn’t turn me on in the same way! Why don’t I feel like having sex anymore?

Have a bottle of wine and take one for the team, or you will soon have an ex-boyfriend. Once your boyfriend is no longer backed up and can think clearly — talk to him!

Your quotes:

“Things feel different between us.” — Different from what? You have been dating for two years, so its only natural that things “feel different” from when you first hit the sack…

“It’s been about two months since we last had sex” — Ask your boyfriend when it was, and I’m sure he can give you the exact date and time…

“Now my boyfriend has started to think there’s “something going on”" — Well, duh! Clearly, there’s something going on…

You need to talk and figure what’s going on, or you are screwed (pun intended).

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- Dog