Ask Dog

Do animals have a soul?

They won’t go to heaven if they don’t have a soul and that would make me very sad.

The only animal that has a soul is a puppy dog. They do however lose it as soon as they chew your favourite shoes, crap on your living room carpet or pee on your laptop. In other words: very few dogs go to heaven…

In comparison, everyone knows kittens don’t have a soul… They are merely godless spawns from hell with their nine lives.

Animals don’t get go to heaven because nobody wants to deal with filthy raccoons, skunks, squirrels, badgers and cats etc. when on a nice picnic with Jesus.

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- Dog

My country is at war and I’m away from my girlfriend. I’m afraid she will find someone else while I’m doing my service. She was always a bit of a slut and I’m afraid she won’t wait for me.

How do I make sure she will be there for me when I get to go home?

You are at war and you able to email an online advice column? Wow! Things have come a long way since the trenches of WW I.

As to your question and girlfriend… Yes, it sounds like she’s someone you would want to have around in the future. You need to keep her busy to prevent her from straying!

Here are a few tips:

1. Ask her to marry you and plan your wedding; no expenses spared. (You can always cancel it later).
2. Get her knocked up and get her a House of Pancakes and a Burger King VIP card.
3. Introduce her to needlepointing, scrapbooking and Tupperware.

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- Dog

What can I do about my girlfriend’s spermicide tasting like nail polish remover?

She says she needs to use it and is not backing down.

Do you have an acceptable solution?

I’m not sure how you figured out what nail polish remover tastes like?

In general, you don’t need to brush your teeth with the spermicide, just get what you need from your girlfriend before the sporting news comes on? What does the taste of her spermicide have anything to do with anything?

Your question is very confusing to me… In general, if you have to eat something and it tastes like crap — add sour cream, finely chopped red onion and bacon bits!

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- Dog

Urgent help needed!

How do I make my cock bigger? My woman says she needs a bigger cock or I’m done!

What can I do?

Buy her a bowling pin and find yourself a tighter girlfriend?

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- Dog

My boyfriend of a year revealed to me that he didn’t find me all that physically attractive when we first met, but now finds me to be the most beautiful girl in the world.

He didn’t say it to hurt my feelings and he regrets saying it. I can’t help it but it’s really bothering me!

Does he find me attractive or not?

I think you are obsessing about something of no importance. You are taking his words too literally! Something was lost in translation from his brain to his mouth — and from your ears to your heart. Get over yourself before is festers and taints a good thing.

Fact 1: You are not Charlize Theron… There’s only one! Any woman in comparison is a bit of a ragged and odd rainforest animal…

Fact 2: He looks at you differently (good) now. What’s the problem?

You know the old cliche “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”? Well, maybe there’s something to it, eh? After a year, he sees the whole package and at the time when he met you, he was only scratching the surface.

Does he find you attractive? Yes, he does!

Lighten up a bit! Don’t let your bruised ego make a big thing out of this. You’ll regret it if you do!

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- Dog

I came out of a long-term relationship a couple of months ago and I’m having a rough time getting over her. She wanted to move on, I wanted much more!

I can’t bring myself to enjoy things we used to do together: fondues, Seinfeld reruns, certain music and things like that. It just makes me sad as it brings back memories.

How do I get over my ex-girlfriend? I feel more and more stuck and pathetic!

Help!

You need to create new and better memories! Here’s what you need:

1. A case of champagne.
2. A hot tub.
3. A set of sweaty twin nymphomaniacs.
4. A full aching sack.
5. A video camera on a tri-pod.

Another option is to stop being pathetic and just going out with your friends and meeting some new people. Lying on the couch and crying to Seinfeld reruns never did a dude any good.

You have to get out!

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- Dog

Is it normal to never fight in a relationship? I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and we haven’t had one fight. Not one!

It seems as I’m always doing the right thing, as is he.

What’s going on?

Eh? Nothing is going on… Absolutely nothing.

You have only been seeing each other for a year and you probably haven’t put yourself in a situation where your respective opinions really matter — where you feel strongly about something. In other words, you haven’t dealt with anything important or difficult:

1. You want a new living room set — He wants a new paintjob for his Harley.
2. You want to go shopping for towels and bed linens — He wants to watch skip roping on ESPN.
3. You want marriage and a baby — He wants an open relationship involving transsexual strippers.
4. You want to visit your mother’s for the weekend — He wants to place you in the dungeon for the weekend.
5. You want a pair of shoes — He wants a 30-year-old single malt whisky.

Give it time! You will fight…

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- Dog

I’m 15 and I have noticed that there is a white bump near the shaft of my penis. I don’t think it’s a STD bump as I’m a virgin.

How do I remove this bump on my penis?

The easiest way to get rid if it is to start a chainsaw and then gently touching it to the bump on your penis.

Dude, it if looks like a zit or an in-grown hair, it probably is a zit or an in-grown hair. Deal with it, as you would any other zit or in-grown hair…

See a doctor if you are worried or if it’s bothering you, or getting worse.

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- Dog

My boyfriend of over a year always thinks that I am seeing someone behind his back or talking to someone, when I have never given him any reason to think those things.

He gets angry and screams at me for no reason. It looks like he will hit but he has never actually done so.

He can get very scary.

What should I do about my boyfriend’s jealous outburst?

You don’t need to hit someone to cause them stress and anguish and to make them “comform” to whatever agenda is in place. He is physically bigger and stronger than you are and he could probably break you in half if he was so inclined… Why is it ok that he threatens you with that?

Threaths of violence and death works equally well to put someone down. 

Pack up your stuff and leave! He has some serious mental and emotional problems to deal with. Take yourself out of this situation. You can’t fix this.

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- Dog

There’s this guy I have been seeing for the past 6 months. From the get-go it has been nothing more than us being friends and sleeping together on occasion (ok, often). We don’t consider ourselves as girlfriend and boyfriend; it’s just fun and sex.

He has told me that he doesn’t want to get together with me anymore because he has come to realize he still loves his ex-girlfriend. This has happened twice before now, with him getting in to this funk about his ex and breaking things up with me. I always easily reel him in.

I have asked him what his feelings about his ex has to do with our arrangement. He does the guy thing “I don’t want to talk about it…” When I ask him if he has any feelings for me, he says “No.” I have reassured him that I’m only in it for sex, and I don’t care if he gets back together with his ex and that I’ll be there anyway. It’s as if I’m begging for it now!

Is it possible that he has feelings for me even though it’s supposed to be only sexual?

It used to be so easy. Now I’m confused as to what it going on!

To me it sounds like he’s setting you up… working you… I think he want to have his cake and screw it too! He wants to get back with his ex and have you as a back-up. All he is doing is trying to make sure you won’t make a stink once he also starts hooking up with his ex.

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- Dog