Ask Dog

Why are some people afraid of clowns?

Your question would be better formulated as, “Why aren’t all people afraid of clowns?”

1. Clowns are filthy and disgusting human beings who paint their faces and wear the same over-sized and mismatched pieces of clothing, day in and day out.
2. Clowns are obsessed with creating their own reality by making balloon animals and flowers.
3. Clowns have scary names such as, “Flippo”, “Boozo” and “Chewo”.
4. Clowns are known for approaching and harassing children and feeble-minded people in malls.
5. Clowns always try to make you smile… Everyone knows that grinning and showing your teeth is a sign of submission!

Why wouldn’t everyone fear clowns?

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- Dog

I had an affair with a man for two years ago. He left his wife (they are not legally divorced yet but they are working on it) and moved in with me about 8 months ago. He and his ex-wife have three children together, and they live just a few blocks away.

My problem is that he’s only allowed to visit the children when she’s present. I’m not allowed around, not even when they go to a public place, like the playground. I have no doubt she would take him back in an instant if given the chance…

I fear she’s getting too many “chances” to work and guilt him in to coming back to her, as I’m not there to remind him about us.

What can I do to prevent him from making a big mistake?

What mistake is that? The mistake of being more of a father for his kids or the husband he promised to be?

You happily helped wreck her home and family. Why would she give you any privileges or make you feel better? I’m confused…

The arrangement for the kids has nothing to do with you. You helped make it this way and now you have to live the consequences.

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- Dog

I did something really stupid and now my wife is holding it against me. She’s bringing it up no matter what’s going on. She just won’t let go and it’s driving me crazy!

I have been married for two years and it’s the first time I have been relegated to the couch (4 nights and counting).

How do I erase my wife’s memory?

Except for drugs, alcohol and blunt force trauma, the only other ways to erase her memory is to screw her brain out (when she finally lets you back in bed), or to buy her an overly expensive piece of jewellery.

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- Dog

My fiance wants to get a dog and I want her pregnant as soon as we are married (next spring). She wants kids also but she’s more excited about the prospect of getting a puppy than having a child. I’m confused!

I told her right from the beginning of our relationship that I’m not a dog person. I don’t like dogs and dogs don’t like me — plain and simple! I have suggested she gets another pet if she really has to have one. She’s trying to say I don’t have to do a thing and that she’ll take care of everything. Yeah, right…

How do I convince her to give up on the dog?

Should you ask her to give up on something she really wants? How about you ask her to wait until you have your kids and they have grown up a bit? No matter what she thinks, getting a dog will involve you. If nothing else, somebody will have to take care of the dog when she’s full term and getting ready to push out a baby.

Not sure what else to tell you? She has to realize that it will involve you, at one level or another.

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- Dog

What does Angelina Jolie’s farts smell like?

I can’t imagine anything foul coming out of something as beautiful as her.

You are correct of course.

Rich and sexy females don’t fart like normal and average women. Good looks and money changes the female sex… It’s common knowledge that Angelina Jolie only expels fairy dust in gas form, and petals of spring flowers as her solids.

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- Dog

My boyfriend wrote me a poem but it was so stupid it almost made me laugh. Luckily, he sent it to me instead of reading it to me in person. It’s been a few days now and I haven’t talked to him about it yet. I think he expects some kind of acknowledgement.

Now what? What do I tell him? When I see him, the only thing I can think of is that stupid poem!

What should I do about him and the poem?

Oh, the horror… Dump his selfish and pathetic ass! What the heck was he thinking? Going out of his way and doing something like that to you… It’s unforgivable!

I sense your relationship is done for because of your boyfriend’s horrible actions and maturity.

Some people…

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- Dog

Is spontaneous human combustion real? Urban legend or truth?

Yes, it is! Spontaneous human combustion is very real and that’s the truth.

Things can get especially “spontaneous” if you have been swimming in paint thinner, napalm or jet fuel and then attempt to light a cigarette…

Wearing grandma’s old knitted sweater, polyester dress or 14-pound wig while sitting next to an open fire also make things more “spontaneous” and “combustible”…

If you are afraid to catch on fire, stay away from things flammable!

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- Dog

Is a dog’s mouth cleaner than a human’s mouth? The opinions seem divided on this subject and I can’t find anything conclusive.

Should I be ok with my wife and kids letting our dog lick their faces and mouths?

A dog’s tongue is his toilet paper and washcloth. Dogs eat dead squirrels, feces and garbage. Dogs lick other dogs that eat dead squirrels, feces and garbage…

Do the math.

Should you be ok with your dog French kissing family members? As anything in life, you do as you please and suffer the consequences if something goes wrong.

In general, it’s not as if your average family pet that sees a veterinarian regularly, is a disease-ridden pest. Dogs wouldn’t be kept as pets if they made people sick on a regular basis.

Dogs are not cleaner than humans — it’s an urban legend. Talk to a veterinarian if common sense hasn’t kicked in at this point.

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- Dog

Is it possible to trap a woman’s soul in a jar?

I don’t get laid very often and have been trying to work something out, in order to correct the problem. Hypnotizing a woman to have sex with you is bunk. It doesn’t work! I learned that the hard way and have the scares to prove it.

The only sensible option as far as I can tell — blackmail! This has proven to work throughout history. However, it’s not that easy to do if you don’t know anything about the woman, e.g. a random hottie at the mall…

How about trapping souls and holding them? Is it possible to trap a woman’s soul in a jar? It would make black blackmail a piece of cake if it can be done.

No, it’s not possible… Women don’t have the same kind of innocent souls like those that you and I (men) have. The female soul can be a foul, dangerous and unpredictable beast to mess around with and I suggest you don’t even try! Many a man has lost his pride and dignity trying to trap a woman’s soul.

Your best bets are alcohol, drugs, gifts, flattery and guilt. If you can combine all of them in to one perfect approach, you will never sleep alone again.

Good luck!

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- Dog

I have had my fair share of lady friends but I’m always learning something new, every time I get a chance. Recently I have been reading a lot of books about sex (I can recommend the subject of Kama Sutra to anyone.)

The only thing I can’t figure out is… What’s the most popular sex position? I have tried a lot of things but never found that “special one” that does it every time for me.

Matters of the flesh is a personal preference… but if you have to generalize:

(a) When you are married — when you can see the sports news on TV.

(b) When you are single — when you can see the porn on cable.

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- Dog