Ask Dog

I just turned 18. I have had one boyfriend for 3 years (we broke up a month ago). The strange thing is that I didn’t really care when he broke up with me.

Ever since I was little, I have had crushes on boys. It has always been that way… Well, about three months ago, I watched a lesbian porn movie with my boyfriend. Since then, I have not been able to get it out of my head. Just thinking about lesbian porn turns me on!

Is it possible that I have been a lesbian all along? How do I know if I’m a lesbian?

The strange thing is that I don’t feel particularly attracted to any woman I have met in real life. However, the movies drive me crazy… What is going on?

Getting off to some cheap lesbian porn movies, does not make you gay. It just means that you are getting off to some cheap lesbian porn movies…

It would be quite difficult for you to be gay if you are not attracted to the same sex in real life… Ok, so these movies are new and exciting, and perhaps a bit confusing to you… You get off — nobody is getting hurt, so why do you need to obsess about it? You’ll get bored with it eventually.

As to your question: “How do I know if I’m a lesbian?”… You would know! It would start with you being attracted to the same sex.

- Dog

My friends think I’m soft. I have tried to bulk up and act a little tougher, but it’s not working. There is nothing I want more than to break free from my designated pen!

Do you understand what I’m trying to say here?

How can I instil respect and fear? I don’t want to hurt anyone or anything like that but I can’t go on being nothing.

I hear you loud and clear… You are confused and immature.

Fear?

Respect and fear are opposites in a real and sensible world.

Some dictionary definitions:

Respect — The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.

Fear — Feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence of danger.

Small-minded people easily confuse the two…

You wrote, “… bulk up and act a little tougher…” I interpret that as you trying to become some sort a “tough guy”. Being bigger doesn’t automatically instil respect or fear. You are just physically a bit bigger. Getting bigger is easy: simply lift heavy things every day!

Fear is also a piece of cake… French kiss a leper to contract the disease and people will freak out when you come around. You could also cause or threaten someone with physical harm. It’s easy! Anyone can do it.

Gaining the respect of others is more difficult as it has nothing to do with you. It’s other people’s perception of you. In one way or another, you will have to affect people in a good way, in order to gain their respect.

Here are two other dictionary definitions to ponder:

Pathetic — Arousing sympathetic sadness and compassion.

Confused — Being unable to think with clarity or act with understanding and intelligence.

You are a kid. You have no idea what you are yet…

What you need to do is grow up a little bit and try to be as good of a person as possible. Why not also pour your energy in to something meaningful? Do good things and you will see that people’s perception of you will change. Worrying about childish name-calling is a complete waste of time.

- Dog

I accidentally got some semen on my bible and now a few pages are sticking together. I have tried to steam the paper but it is not working.

Please help! I have a bible group in a few days and it is embarrassing.

How do I remove my semen from the pages? God bless!

If your God took the time to part the Red Sea for Moses, I’m sure it should be a piece of cake for him to part a few semen stained Bible pages for you… Have you tried praying for a page separation? As a back up plan, you might wish to acquire another Bible. You know, God only has time for so many important things…

In the future, I recommend Internet depravity over Bible depravity… or practice your aim.

- Dog

I smoke pot recreationally. My parents have no clue and they would be furious if they ever found out. Here’s my problem… I don’t know where to hide it? We live in a big house but every place I think of makes me nervous. I can see it in my mind: my parents accidentally discovering my stash. When I’m home from work, I find myself hiding and re-hiding the pot 5-6 times a day!

Where’s the best place to hide pot from parents?

I think the pot is making you paranoid… How about skipping the drugs until you get your brain back online?

It’s a big house and you can’t think of a hiding place? Well, potentially your parent could go anywhere but how likely is that? Seriously, if you can’t think of one and you are obsessing and freaking out about it: seek help!

You could of course do the drug mule thing and place it inside a few condoms and shove it up your “Devil’s mud chute”. I’m pretty sure your parent’s don’t look there… Then again, if you are actually considering that option right now — seriously look in to getting some form of drug counselling!

- Dog

What is the Death Grip? I think it is some sort of martial arts… maybe Jiu-Jitsu?

The “the death grip” doesn’t sound like martial arts … It sounds more like marital arts to me, e.g. your head being stuck in-between your wife’s thighs and she won’t let you go, until you take care of unfinished business…

- Dog

My boyfriend killed a squirrel when I was over at his place and now I don’t feel as attracted to him anymore. Is this normal?

We were sitting in his backyard when he pulled out a BB gun and shot a squirrel off a tree. He did it is so matter-of-factly… He didn’t even comment on it and just continued on with our conversation as if nothing had happened.

I think I was too shocked to ask him about it at the time? What should I do? What should I think? Is it normal to do it on a first date?

Him shooting pests off a tree — normal.

You not commenting on his expert marksmanship — not normal.

What’s not attractive about a new boyfriend killing furry critters on a first date?

What you should do? I don’t know… is sticky sex and an accidental pregnancy out of the question?

What you should think? Yeah, I think that’s the key here… you need to mull this over and draw your own conclusions. Hmmm.

- Dog

I know I have telekinetic abilities. I know I can move objects using only my mind but I can’t bring myself to do it. The problem is that I lose my concentration just when it’s about to happen.

The objects are not actually moving yet but I can feel the energy transfer. It is as if I’m missing that little ”something” to bring me over the edge. I’m getting so frustrated!

Do you know anything about telekinesis? Can you help?

You are in luck! I know everything there is to know about telekinesis — the faux psychology/science is complete and utter nonsense. Wishful and magical thinking does not a Yoda make. Sorry. The sole purpose of telekinesis is to sell books to feeble-minded people.

No, I can’t help. You need to talk this over with a real psychologist. He or she will be able to determine the best treatment for your warped view of the world and yourself. Who knows? Perhaps you don’t even need to be medicated…

Excessive magical thinking is probably not very constructive or healthy for you.

- Dog

I found my daughter’s diary when picking up in her room. Of course, I looked… I was shocked! Apparently, she is seeing a young man in school and they are sexually active. She thinks she is in “love”… *sigh*.

She is quite descriptive in her diary and she’s not writing about some innocent games… The problem is that I know she’s not mature enough for those kinds of activities. I didn’t even know she knew all those things about sex!

I’m afraid she will get hurt! It’s also not legal for her to have sex and the boy is three years older than she is. What should I do? How do I talk to my daughter about sex? Should I tell her that I looked in the diary?

I’m afraid she will hate me for reading her private thoughts. She trusts me now and I don’t wish this to ruin it.

The young man is visiting his parents out of State and will be back in a week, so I don’t have much time.

Please help!

She trusts you? You ignorant fool! I guess she didn’t trust you well enough to mention the part where she completely lost the ball (and panties), eh? Her job (as a child) is to try to get away with as much as possible… Your job (as a parent) is to gradually let her “get away” with things she CAN deal with on her own. Isn’t that what parenting and growing up is all about? This is not one of those situations…

Do realize that “trust” does not equal “pleasant” or “friendly”. Look it up in the dictionary.

Also, a person screwing your child is not a “young man”, he is a “predator”… Does that clear things up for you a little bit?

As for “how to talk to your daughter about sex?” Well, you obviously missed the boat on that one a little bit… Thus, you now have bigger fish to fry (to a crisp).

Screw privacy! Let her mess up on her own when she’s old enough. Your job is to parent and protect her — jump on it! You didn’t mention how old she is but if someone is preying on your underage daughter — let there be dire consequences… and go to the police.

However, before talking to the authorities, why not make sure you really know what’s going on? Do realize that simply because something was penned down in a “Hello Kitty” diary, it doesn’t necessarily make it so. In a case like this, any sane parent would work on this thing as a “worst case scenario”… Talk to her first and see if she brings it up on her own. If she doesn’t — mention the diary…

Be smart about it. You don’t need to “beat her down” over this. Start with an apology and take it from there… A clever mom would do it when you are both in a good mood and in a location (place) where she can’t just “run” and avoid it all. Take her to an overnight spa or a short trip or something… Basically, go somewhere “neutral”. Have some nice mother-daughter time, make her relax a bit, then bring it up! He is out of the picture for a week. So, you have a week to sort it out.

You need to do it ASAP. She is a kid. She is being used and abused. Deal with it! I would consider it child endangerment if you don’t make this your main priority in life right now.

- Dog

my penis is vry very small an I im nerves dat gurls will not liek me when tey c its wat can i do so tad it get bigger? can i use creamz or pupms or sumthing liek dat? iz penis surgry expensiv?

how mutch can it cost an were do i get it done an does hurt? ii need girlfriend but it not working. where can i find advice?

You will find advice right here!

Goal: Acquiring a girlfriend.

1. Stop obsessing about the size of your appendage.
2. Take some language classes and learn to spell.
3. Develop your mind, e.g. lay down the ruler and read books.
4. Repeat until you get it…

No, there is nothing you can do make your penis bigger. I’m sure cosmetic surgery of this nature is quite expensive and risky. I’m sure it would be excruciatingly painful as it involves cutting open your best friend.

Where to get it done? In suggest you have it done at a hospital… Speak to a physician to ease your mind and then forget about it — then do 1-2-3-4 as per above, as it will be much more rewarding and less expensive and painful than surgery.

You might also want to read: http://www.askdog.com/2007/05/09/is-a-mans-penis-size-important-to-a-woman/

- Dog

I am already fed up with homework and I am only in high school… I am bored! It is so much more fun to hang out with my girlfriends and go to parties and such. My parents are always on my case about homework and grades, grades, grades…

The homework is a lot of work! My parents nagging does not make it any better.

The more they talk about it, the more I am thinking about dropping out and doing something else. I would love to go to LA. and try my luck.

Is there not more to life than school and homework?

Sure there is! After you work you ass of in school, you’ll hopefully get a good job and then you’ll work your ass of there… The alternative is to skip the school part and instead work your ass off as a truck stop prostitute.

There is no “luck” in L.A. or anywhere else. Wherever you look, you will find a “lot work”. It’s life, get used to it! You have to make your own “luck”… and that takes what? Yes, you guessed it: a lot of work!

The only think free in this world is venereal diseases and death.

Grow up!

- Dog