- Crazy-ass backrub!
- The ultimate test is being able to project kindness toward your enemy until you get close enough to kick him in the nuts. – Dalai Beerhaze
- At the Karaoke bar, I’m the guy who never gets laid, because four dudes in a row did Bryan Adams, leaving me with Maroon 5 and Nickelback.
- I sat down on and broke one of my Morrissey CDs. I bet I’m the first fan to cut myself – on the ass.
- I found a Beanie Baby in the garage. It’s not in mint condition but it looks like David Hasselhoff. $480.00 – shipping included. DM me.
- Some dude kept calling me a Gaylord at the pool this morning because I was wearing my Tilly hat, so I threw my Cosmopolitan in his face.