- I enjoy art but the hobby that brings me the most joy is to secretly plant trading cards of oiled-up WWF wrestlers wherever I go.
- Remember high school when English teacher bend over with boobies in your back and always tell “watch you grammer!” what that all was about?
- To parents! Do you think it’s okay to let my 5-year-old watch The Lord of the Rings or do you think Elijah Wood will give him nightmares?
- Before the digital age, “a useless app” was the brain cells you had already fried with vodka. Just saying.
- I love hearing: “Oh, yeah, plough me, you hairy bastard!” BUT in ancient Aramaic: “Ohs, jozha, limon cello, lei danny devito!” #Confessions
- Rumour has it that whenever Paris Hilton is arrested, the police only needs to shake her by the shoulders to complete a body cavity search.
- I’m secure in my masculinity and need my wife to be strong and independent when visiting her mother. Because you know, poker with the guys.
2010 – September 6 (Oiled-up WWF wrestlers)
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2010 – September 5 (George Clooney movie)
- “Honeybuns, I got you a George Clooney movie and a box of wine.” Surreptitious foreplay… It works.
- My oldest daughter is incredibly hormonal right now. Everything makes her cry; music, me cutting her bangs when she sleeps, even Glee!
- I don’t do it for the “thank you”; I hold the door open for you because it’s the right thing to do. Also, I want to check out your ass.
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2010 – September 3 (Read your tweets)
- Currently using my daughter’s iTouch to read your tweets. Also, reading her emails and writing shit on her Facebook page.
- Ran out of pain killers 4 days early. The good news? None! Absolutely noth… Hey! The pixies have left!
- This morning, my doctor ordered me to bed and keeping my leg up for 72 hours. 19 minutes and I’m already bored, and I have wet myself.
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2010 – September 1 (Fresh, crisp and succulent)
- If you are seeing this, I just want to say that I love you more than a fresh, crisp and succulent mango. Also, I love beer. A lot.
- I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to see David Hasselhoff hit the floor on Dancing With The Stars.
- Nice to hear that the Discovery Building hostages are safe. Nothing sadder than CNN showing herpes med ads while tallying a death count.
- Your pregnancies… Germany’s invasion of Poland… I bet Lance Armstrong’s last nut on the fact that it all started with a backrub.
- I promised my girl that if she keeps up with her guitar lessons, I would buy her any electric guitar she wants. The joy! I have beer money!
- My 5-year-old is starting hockey this Friday… If you hear: “Watch my boy’s head, he’s the only one that knows where I saved my porn!” Me.
- What all your ex-boyfriends have told about you: “Yeah, I miss her mom’s banana bread.”
- What all your ex-girlfriends have told about you: “Yeah, I would say he was well hung if he were a possum or an armadillo.”
- It’s so hot and stuffy in Montreal that hookers are crawling in to car trunks for shade.
- I give up! There’s just no romantic way to gift-wrap a rubber fist.
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Advice: Feels like I am being watched
Dear Beerhaze,
It sometimes feels like I am being watched at home. This only happens when my husband is out of the house. I think our dog also feels this presence as he often starts barking for no reason. Should I be worried?
Dear Lonesome Half-Wit,
Dogs often react to things that humans cannot hear or smell. He is probably just barking because he sometimes catches a whiff of the body buried in your backyard, or hears your local Peeping Tom hiding under a window.
Should you be worried? Perhaps… However, involving the supernatural because you are bored is super ridiculous.
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2010 – August 31 (Slow painful death)
- Death is my biggest fear when it comes to autoerotic asphyxiation… a slow painful death for ruining one of my wife’s stockings.
- It’s not complicated… People who can’t find happiness need to get married, and see their spouses take the kids camping for the weekend.
- “Do you think I’m fat?” is a question all men dread to hear… and not only in the prison showers.
- Wife: “Your zipper is open.” Right reply: “Oh.” Wrong reply: “Oh, well, it’s not like I was watching porn while you mowed the lawn.”
- You know your sex life needs a little spicing up when you reach around and grab a boob with one hand, and check her pulse with the other.
- Wearing a bra is optional when bending down to pet my dog. Also, when you extend your leg in front of him, I will hump it. Get over it.
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2010 – August 30 (Back to school)
- The best part about the kids going back to school is that we can now go back to not having sex in the afternoons too.
- Tip! When the doctor’s pills say: ‘One pill every 4 hours’… Try ’4 pills every hour’ – very different! You are welcome.
- I need the Favstar server to be faster. This is ridiculous! I’m actually getting work done today because I can’t stick any stars.
- The Favstar server is so slow that I suspect it might be made up of a few Civil War era muskets that have been duct-taped together.
- I hate to hear, “I don’t know, it’s pretty early”, when you offer someone a beer in the grocery store. It’s past 10 AM – live a little!
- Holy crap! I can’t believe it! Thanks to Twitter – I’m going to Yale! Wait a minute… Jail – I’m going to jail! Oh…
- My dream is to one day be on 1000 Twitter lists named “his-balls-smell-like-gingerbread-cookies”. Please? Guys? RT
- When I was a kid, “guyliner” meant hockey… and getting a hit with a puck between your eyes, and the black didn’t go away for weeks.
- You know, I thought “semen” was banned on Favstar. It’s not and it makes me happy, and “man-yogurt” just sounds too disgusting.
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Advice: Ruining her favourite panties
Dear Beerhaze,
My mom is accusing me of wearing and ruining her favourite panties. She only has my sister telling her that she saw me wearing them. Mom has gone so far as to keeping her underwear drawer locked. How do I talk to her?
Dear Mesmerizing Glue Stick,
Talk to her honestly and if that does not work, perhaps you can see if you can fit in to your sister’s or dad’s panties?
Seriously, wearing other people’s underwear and sharing skid marks and creepy crawlers is more than a bit icky and Walmart-ish. Have you considered getting a job and buying (not at Walmart) your own frilly stuff?
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2010 – August 29 (Sneak a beer fart)
- Tip! You cannot sneak a beer fart near a trained cadaver dog even when he is at play in a dog run. Awkward! Trust me.
- Thanks people! I am home and I have a beer. Supposedly, I am the first non-grandma to slip (somersault…) in the tunnel behind the falls.
- To score the good stuff… When a doctor asks you, “How’s the pain?” Wrong: I’ll live. Right: I want my mommy! This dum-dum knows that now.
- I fractured a heel behind the Horseshoe Falls in Niagara. Not an euphemism. Sitting in the hotel and waiting to go home to my beer fridge.
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