2010 – July 18 (The damned garbage)

Posted on July 18, 2010 by Beerhaze
  • “No, YOU drag the damned garbage down to the curb, I’m reading tweets!” is what I was thinking… BRB… Dragging garbage down to the curb.
  • I went looking for grenadine for the kids and was shocked to find an unopened bottle of Talisker whisky. Just like that. Best. Sunday. Ever.
  • Mmmm… Eating roasted Iranian jumbo pistachios with saffron… Delicious! In the next conflict, they should hold those babies hostage.
  • Im tryying to writ somethinn pervy an disgustiing but myy finngers keep slipping onn the keybooard.
  • Clowns take a lot of abuse, which is unfair. Yes, they are soulless and smell funny but other than that, they are just like the rest of us.
  • Sneaking upstairs and frying a garlic/thyme lamb chop in anchovy butter for third dessert is tempting… but what if SHE’S not asleep!?
  • I always imagine sticking my gold stars on one of your butt cheeks and then slapping you on the other as friendly, ‘Thanks! More please…’
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2010 – July 17 (A hopeless romantic)

Posted on July 17, 2010 by Beerhaze
  • A hopeless romantic is someone who accidentally makes the bed squeak too much before the kids are sound asleep, right?
  • Pandora’s box contained all the evils of the word because ouzo made it impossible to keep her legs closed. – Zeus Beerhaze
  • Roses are grey, Violets are grey but I have boner, yes, I bought Viagra from the guy down at the corner.
  • Girlfriend: She steals your heart… Not a girlfriend: She steals your wallet and a kidney before discreetly exiting your hotel room…
  • I love cleaning the garage with the kids because their nimble bodies easily squeeze in to tight places where rusty nails are hiding.
  • That last scrumptious bite of my Sausage Egg McMuffin would not now sit in dog hair on the floor if I have had double D’s.
  • There’s nothing I hate more than misspelled tattoos… Except perhaps face tattoos, prison tattoos and stepping in cat shit.
  • Good morning! I’m feeling good. Tip: Guys, it doesn’t matter which one of the ‘Yours and Mine K-Y’ couples’ lubricants go in the hand.
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2010 – July 16 (Pee standing up)

Posted on July 16, 2010 by Beerhaze
  • I finally got my 5-year-old to pee standing up! However, until he gets his aim right – many trips to the bathrooms at McDonald’s.
  • Apple is giving away cases because of iPhone 4′s weak signal strengths. That’s like Toyota solving break problems with free umbrellas.
  • Making sushi tonight… Riesling and Sake… Yes, if I play my cards right, she will be saying ‘thank you for all the hard work’ in bondage.
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2010 – July 15 (Larry King’s wife)

Posted on July 15, 2010 by Beerhaze
  • Larry King’s wife has now reportedly moved on… to beef jerky.
  • My head is pounding. I figure I should go down the street and wait for a Molson beer truck. Jumping in front of it should cure my hangover.
  • Good morning! From the look of it, I cooked something in the oven last night. I hope it tasted better than my mouth does right now.
  • A few minutes ago, I panicked thinking I had started lactating but on closer inspection, it turns out to be drool. Tweet or shot? Choices…
  • Sponsored tweet: ‘My toe doesn’t hurt no more! Now, I just need a flashlight so I can find the trampoline in the backyard.’ (Grey Goose)
  • People, have you ever thought you were thinking out loud and before you know it – it’s on Twitter? Yeah, I know… damned technology.
  • There! Shots… The Grey Goose is chillin’. One thing is for damned sure. I ain’t getting laid tonight. If I make it to the couch – treat!
  • Fuck this! I’m breaking out the Grey Goose. I apologize for any inappropriate DMs and dated Ally McBeal jokes, in advance.
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2010 – July 14 (Hurts like hell)

Posted on July 14, 2010 by Beerhaze
  • My toe hurts like hell! The pain ceases and I HAVE TO wiggle it to see if it’s better – BAM! pain is back. It’s been going on for hours now.
  • I had a screaming fit nightmare and woke up the whole house. The kids are sobbing and asking their mom questions about Amy Winehouse.
  • Fractured toe, sprained ankle and bruised ego. The cost? $14.00 in peanuts from the E.R. vending machine. Outrageous! #Universal HealthCare
  • Seriously! A fractured toe and I get no pills for it? Cheap bastards! All I received was a half a roll of tape. #Universal HealthCare
  • People, I sprained an ankle and fractured a toe shooting hoops – while sober! Related: The Dalai Lama is a witch with his karma shit.
  • “Lie down on the bed – it’s really swollen.” would have sounded sexier, had my wife not also said, “How are you getting the shoe off?”
  • Which team of drug addicts, rapists and tax evaders won the All-Star Game last night? #MLB
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2010 – July 13 (The chicken blood)

Posted on July 13, 2010 by Beerhaze
  • Huh! “Do NOT drink the chicken blood” would have made more sense… Anyone else use Google Translator for French recipes?
  • Whenever I see my wife’s boobs, I praise the Lord that my hands are not inside a shark’s digestive system.
  • “Homie, pick up the soap.” #5WordsBeforeSex
  • “Bought a box of wine!” #5WordsBeforeSex
  • The hotness of covering your wife in chocolate syrup and licking her clean loses its thunder once you have changed a few diapers.1
  • Starring your own tweet is the new, “Mommy and Daddy, come see what I did in the potty!” I know… It’s adorable.
  • My dream is to one day become a professional Twitterer. Imagine working in Dalai Lama’s office – more gongs than you can shake a stick at.
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2010 – July 12 (Drop his iPad)

Posted on July 12, 2010 by Beerhaze
  • The best things in life are free: love… sex… seeing an uptight prick drop his iPad and squeal like a school girl.
  • No, YOU stepped in cat poop, dragged it in to the house, didn’t notice until later, washed the floor and shoes, threw up and needed a nap.
  • Tip! You can easily tell if he’s gay by the way he sneaks up behind you and plays with your nipples at the urinals.
  • Oh, it’s not Friday to you? Move to Canada! Every day is Friday here. We also have beer.
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2010 – July 11 (Drink and fornication)

Posted on July 11, 2010 by Beerhaze
  • You will have more time for drink and fornication if you simply approach problems assuming that some dumbass screwed it up. – Dalai Beerhaze
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2010 – July 10 (My mullet-free areas)

Posted on July 10, 2010 by Beerhaze
  • After today, my 5-year-old will be able to make it 8 feet in the pool. I did end up getting sunburned in my mullet-free areas. Worth it.
  • I wonder what the Olsen twins didn’t eat for breakfast this morning?
  • You could break a dinner plate on the thing stirring in my pants right now.
  • I starred a German tweet even though I could only understand the words ‘aaauw’ and ‘fisting’. I figured she knew what she was talking about.
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2010 – July 9 (Never be attacked)

Posted on July 9, 2010 by Beerhaze
  • The first 4,593 lucky people to star this tweet will never be attacked by a pack of rabid chimps. Good karma provided by an actual lhama!
  • My 5-year-old is reading books. My youngest daughter is making cookies. The teenager isn’t pregnant. Yeah, life is good in this very minute.
  • I just discovered that Astroglide makes the burn blisters on the palm of my hand hurt something fierce. Kinky!
  • I had an explosive grease fire on the BBQ… Had I not been right there, I would be on the news now. The good? My wife says I need a drink.
  • The heat wave is unrelentless and make you feel all disgusting – like meeting up with your mom at a Super 8. I know, those hotels are gross.
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