- Ok, I am perplexed… Let’s get back to basics! What are the censored words on Favstar? I offer up: ‘sugar’, ‘puppy’ and ‘telephone’. Go!
- Vaginal dryness? I tell you… That was not trending in Montreal today – it was hot and sticky! In related news: I love your mom.
2010 – July 8 (The censored words)
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2010 – July 7 (Words on Favstar)
- Hmmm… It seems that hot, neighbour, secretly, rearrange or garden gnomes are also on the list of banned words on Favstar. How peculiar!
- It’s even too hot to sneak over to my neighbour’s and secretly rearrange her garden gnomes.
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2010 – July 6 (Discovering girlie bits)
- I’m watching two of my duplicate Jehovah tweets battle it out on Favstar. I haven’t been this excited since discovering girlie bits.
- There are no Jehovah’s Witnesses in China and there is lead paint on everything. Think about it.
- Tip! For fewer teary-eyed toddlers at the next birthday party – hire your clown based on smell only.
- The Gospel of Thor! Yes, for that I would open the Bible.
- I’m taking a break if my latest Favstar tweet stalls under 30 – again! Besides, we are all winners on Chatroulette.
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2010 – July 5 (The rug burns)
- I think I’m drunk because the rug burns from crawling back and forth to the beer fridge should be killing me by now.
- It’s peaceful listening to a teenager’s quiet sobs of regret. Especially when accompanied by an Elvis gospel song.
- She laughed when grounded… but she has yet to discover that all her iPod contains is Elvis Presley music. iTunes password changed. I WIN!
- Only 143 days to eggnog season! YES, let it all out! Hang on to that toilet. There you go… You’ll feel better in a bit. You are welcome!
- What? You are unfollowing me for a tweet about kittens? I don’t even think they are dead. Yet.
- Ok, now I’m pissed! Who of you crapped in my pool last night? Wait… Oh, never mind, the floaters seem to be kittens. Never mind.
- Negative thought patterns will not make lost fingers grow back. Explore new patterns, especially in finger painting. – Dalai Beerhaze
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2010 – July 4 (Remember the count)
- America, remember the count before you set off the fireworks. It’s not 4 and 2… It’s FIVE fingers on each hand!
- Tip! If serving BBQ’d corn with your steaks – do not suggest a dad’s farting contest in the pool after the meal. Children will be crying.
- Tomorrow, July 5th: Venezuela’s Independence Day. Honouring that day by drinking even more beer and not shaving my back.
- I’m celebrating 4th of July by smoking ribs and brisket. Beer. Not peeing in the shallow end of the pool. More beer.
- What you rarely hear cowboys say: “Son, a real cowboy lactates and breastfeeds his own horse.”
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2010 – July 3 (Crazy-ass backrub)
- Crazy-ass backrub!
- The ultimate test is being able to project kindness toward your enemy until you get close enough to kick him in the nuts. – Dalai Beerhaze
- At the Karaoke bar, I’m the guy who never gets laid, because four dudes in a row did Bryan Adams, leaving me with Maroon 5 and Nickelback.
- I sat down on and broke one of my Morrissey CDs. I bet I’m the first fan to cut myself – on the ass.
- I found a Beanie Baby in the garage. It’s not in mint condition but it looks like David Hasselhoff. $480.00 – shipping included. DM me.
- Some dude kept calling me a Gaylord at the pool this morning because I was wearing my Tilly hat, so I threw my Cosmopolitan in his face.
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2010 – July 2 (God creates skunks)
- On the 4,530,264, 574th day, God creates skunks. On the 4,553,345, 235th day, God created Mel Gibson. #Fail
- The most memorable moment of Canada Day? A stripper tripping on her thong? No, my son wetting himself during the fireworks… #ThugLife
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2010 – July 1 (Follow you back)
- Saying “You are missing out if you are only following people that follow you back!” is the new “I’m too awesome to follow you back.”
- My twitter stream is so slow today… Perhaps everyone on Twitter is secretly Canadian? Well, at least the Dalai Lama is – funny stuff!
- There is only so much bacon you can make out of one Céline Dion. – English-Canadian proverb
- We can all transform ourselves into drunker and happier people. I think it’s important to recognize this. – Dalai Beerhaze
- Laughter is not the best medicine when grandma trips and tumbles down the stairs.
- The Canadian flag is red and white in honour of all our girls from Nova Scotia who are tanning in Mexico, in this very minute.
- I’m feeling much better. My cough is almost gone and my wife has again started to blow her vuvuzela when I wake up with wood. Life is good.
- Today is Canada Day – The day we infuse our bacon with ‘pleases’, ‘thank yous’, ‘sorrys’, ‘excuse mes’ and ‘ehs?’ for the coming year.
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2010 – June 30 (Wife’s menstrual cycle)
- The main problem with my wife’s menstrual cycle is that she never gets on it in anger and bikes away a few pounds off her ass.
- My wife has just ordered me to go down on her dishes or I won’t be getting in to the sweets. Back in a jiffy!
- I hope to one day be able to afford a fur coat made out of 100% genuine South American soccer players.
- Son: “Daddy, am I a bathted?” Me: “No! Mommy and daddy made you on the downstairs shag carpet.” Son: “…” Me: “What are you asking again?”
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2010 – June 28 (Clean-shaven and hung)
- WHAT now?! Is it punctuation or the fact that he’s a clean-shaven and hung Mexican who knows his way around Mojitos?
- I don’t understand what’s going on… Is it #UnfollowMonday? I didn’t get the memo! Not sure how to fix this… I love fucking Jesus?
- At least I have never tied a dolphin to a tree. @RefollowTweet
- Come on! They are just tweets… I love dogs, and my Thai is limited to “Boom boom, yes?” I don’t even smoke – no need to unfollow for that.
- Dog whispering 101: Get close and softly say in Thai, “Behave or I will turn the back of your skull in to a souvenir ashtray.” It works!
- Oh, my god have I ever been sick – Southern Comfort-like sick! If I never got around to thanking you for your #FF, I’ll make it up to you.
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