Dog von Beerhaze

I shaved by back because I was bored. Still bored… and now, cold and itchy too.

• Backrub! It’s all I have in me. I’ll be back to star the jiffers out of you tomorrow. My wife has ordered me to bed – doctor’s orders. Yay!
• I hate it when I’m drunk at a bar but smart enough not to speak and simply point to my groin, and I STILL get turned down. Stuck up bitches!
• How to pick up women at Walmart: “That is one hot-ass garden gnome! I have Velveeta cheese… What are you doing tonight?”
• There would be fewer daddies if during sex, the turnip yelled “Your life is changing in T-minus 3 seconds!” instead of “Go, big guy, go!”

• Any female carbon-based life forms out there that can yell obscenities in German, and who are into heavy Bronchitis breathing? DM me!
• Even more awkward – damned typos! Can’t even blame the beer tonight – stupid ‘man cold’ meds.
• I tried to give myself the Tweet of Day but accidentally starred myself. Awkward!

• Sexually active: She is dragging you feet first in to the bedroom. Sexually available: She has passed out in the guest bathroom.
• Carry on! I’m simply posting this tweet in an attempt to distract all my gorgeous women followers while I unzip my pants.
• “Backrub!” Conan O’Brien, you bastard! You stole my big hair and compulsive hand clapping – don’t you dare take “backrub!” away from me too!
• I have never seriously tried whoring myself out on Twitter before… It’s actually quite exciting! Sure beats FarmVille on Facebook.
• Okay, who is the lucky backrub winner? Realize, I have been married for 14 years (know-how). I also haven’t trimmed my nails in 3 weeks!
• I think I need to start offering free backrubs for the 30th star on a tweet. It’s that or try to be 3.333% funnier… Okay, backrubs it is!
• Goooaaaaalololololol! Nah, I don’t care either.

• I’m sick. My wife says it’s a ‘man cold’, which I think means I’m dying. So, polishing of that special Scotch so the mailman won’t get it.
• Bang for the buck: Throwing one firecracker and have all seven of your neighbour’s cats run out in front of an oncoming school bus.
• Ladies, if your imaginations are limited to cucumbers and zucchinis, you should try butter-fried asparagus and crushed walnuts. Mmmm.

• Windows 7 was not my idea. My idea was to give David Hasselhoff the cheese burger.
• I got my first speeding ticket today. The cop didn’t speak with a robot voice, and didn’t address me as ‘citizen’, which was disappointing.

• If I don’t star your most brilliant tweet in the next few hours, I’m either getting naked or working over-time. Duty calls! Back later…
• Yeah, Father’s Day at Favstar is much slower than on Mother’s Day. Theory: Estrogens interferes with Wi-Fi and cell phone reception.
• Common sense will only help you so much because most people are sheep. – Dalai Beerhaze
• I wore my son’s Pre-Kindergarten foam tie project all day. It says, “Best daddy!” on it. Women love it. I think I’ll wear it all the time.

• It’s less than four hours to Father’s Day on the east coast of Canada – set your mom free! Let her run. Make sure she understands it’s BYOB.
• The future Queen of Sweden got married today and just like that, my balls sagged another inch. She got away… Any other queens out there?
• Ok, it wasn’t The Mothman at the door… However, stab a troubadour. Bucket list #17 ?
• The doorbell rang. I’ll be back in a bit unless it’s The Mothman.
• Plans for the night: Going to grind it up at a salsa club. Kidding! Getting drunk in the basement because the carpet is padded down there.
• Cashier: “Any reason why you are returning this paper?” Me: “Yes, it sucks donkey balls. I can show you by drawing a picture?”
• You know you are getting the good stuff when the pharmacist says, “You are clearly not a burn victim, so, enjoy!”
• Dear Mr. Weather man, don’t grin like an imbecile when delivering bad news about the kid’s trip to the water park. You’re not helping!
• I finally decided what I want for Father’s Day but my wife says she can’t bend that way. Well, I think there’s a wine box for that, eh?
• Lord have mercy! I had so many Guinness last night that my urine smells like Budweiser. I’m also completely out of beer. Wait a minute…
• I swear to God, say, ‘tomfoolery’ again, and I will hunt you down and call you out on your shenanigans. It’s the Canadian way!

• French ticker? Okay, it’s like a French tickler but only spruced up for HIS pleasure. Well, it is now… Stupid typos… Mind the farts!
• Fart at the urinals and I will tell your date that you didn’t wash your hands and that you bought a French ticker. You have been warned!
• My 5th-grader: “How many zeros in a million?” My 5-year-old: “Six of course! S-I-X.” Related: It’s the first ones you drop on their heads.
• Father’s Day is coming up and I haven’t yet decided what I’m cooking for dinner or how I’m doing my wife for dessert. She’s getting anxious.
• I hit a squirrel when driving my daughter and boyfriend to the pool. Now she’s in a horribly pissy mood. Her boyfriend looks deflated. Win!
• Last night, I dreamt I was covered in powdered sugar and chased by a herd of Kirstie Alleys. Their eyes… AND I woke up with wood! Horror.

• Man, I am exhausted. I need a nap. Could one of you watch my son? He’s in the backyard playing with the belt sander. No sweets! Thanks.
• I wanted to say “What the hell are you doing?” Instead: “Nice socks!” when he slid his feet in to my stall. $12 a pair at Costco apparently.