- Ladies, penis size is not everything! I also cook. You kill and skin it – I make a romantic dinner… That should even things out, right?
- “Circumcised” and “Mango-Crickets” in the same tweet on Favstar – censored or not? I’m running out of beer! Pointers anyone?
- A follower DM’d me, saying that “my problem” is that my tweets are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long! Yeah, “too long” is a new one – can’t process!
- Tip: Guys, Botox on your nutsack doesn’t get rid of wrinkles. However, you can score a lot of beer down at the pub with crazy party tricks.
- Before breakfast, my girls repaired a $7.00 umbrella with my main chef’s knife. Before lunch, they were living with carnies.
2010 – June 16 (A romantic dinner)
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2010 – June 15 (Killed Twitter)
- #WorldCup killed Twitter - you bastards!
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2010 – June 13 (Wife spanks me)
- I’m at the age now where I don’t risk getting it in my own eye, unless I hang upside down… AND my wife spanks me with rhubarb.
- It’s early Sunday morning and the fail whale already splashed on my screen. Clear bandwidth – send aspiring rappers back to MySpace. Thanks!
- It’s not Monday morning, is it? Ok, hacking the HR voicemail system… Passwords to try first: ‘dumbass’, ‘justahangover’ and ‘sofiredlulz’.
- How does a dog determine when his balls are clean? Taste? Smell? The tongue and jaw went numb? Was hit with a shoe?
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2010 – June 12 (An England tattoo)
- People assume I’m a soccer fan because of an England tattoo on my chest. No! Vacation. Drunk. She was from Southampton. Huge tits. Worth it.
- The #WorldCup as background noise on the TV is awesome! I can’t hear the dog licking his balls so, I can actually get some tweeting done.
- I spent 90 minutes jerking off to porn. What did you do? I WIN! #WorldCup
- Those horns hide the screams of the poor guys being raped in the men’s room. #WorldCup
- #WorldCup: “Johnson has to change his shirt because there is a drip of blood on it.” #NHL: “Johnson made a necklace out of his teeth.”
- If England doesn’t beat the United States., the rematch should be on a gridiron. Their best players against Girl Guides from NYC. #WorldCup
- I dreamt I grabbed Lady Gaga’s butt with both hands, and I went in for the kiss, but our junk touched so, we made it a soccer hug instead…
- I’m wearing my South Park underwear and right now, in this minute, Kenny looks much fatter than Cartman. Ladies?
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2010 – June 11 (Your 16-year-old virgins)
- Sending off your 16-year-old virgins to sea seems a bit drastic. Besides, they could get salt-licked by the ocean and taken by sharks.
- It’s not quite a sex tape but I will still download the clip where Queen Elizabeth II feasts on the blood of court pets. Haaaawt!
- FYI. I never realized Favstar censors tweets… In the future, if you see me mention playing with my “pennies” it’s not because I’m poor.
- Lawyers: Strike Van der Sloot’s confession! People: Strike Van der Sloot in the back of the head with a tire iron so it’s not O.J.-up!
- Wife is asleep.. Boy crashed on the way home from soccer… Girls are out too… I should be naked from the waist down… Too tired! #Beer
- Let’s say a man by accident caught season 1, episode 2, of Glee and his penis twitched ever so slightly; will he really end up on Facebook?
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2010 – June 10 (Bieber Fever)
- I have never been affected by Bieber Fever but as a teen I once had the shits for 10 straight days. That was pretty painful too.
- Always treat her nice. The only other way to keep your woman around forever is embalming. – Dalai Beerhaze
- No, a new lawnmower, no matter how high-end, is not a romantic gift but is should free up more time for her laundry.
- “Who’s your daddy?” is not a turn-on for my wife because Alzheimer’s runs in my family. Related: Norway.
- CNN: 5,500-year-old, size-5, leather shoe found in an Armenian cave. They aren’t sure if it belonged to a woman or a man with a small penis.
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2010 – June 9 (Thong and miniskirt)
- Our neighbour across the street sure has balls wearing his wife’s thong and miniskirt while doing yard work. Big hairy ones apparently.
- “It’s not ‘bonny ape tit’ you moron! It’s ‘bon appétit’ : bo?-nä-p?-t?. Besides, it’s a pizza joint… Try using ‘Here. You. Feed. Now.’”
- Burnt my breast pump after only 7 hours. According to the fine print you are supposed to be lactating and stuff. Too expensive of a pastime!
- Tonight I’m going down on a burger topped with blue cheese, pancetta, raw onions, wasabi mayo, ketchup – my 5 Tums burger. Nom!
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2010 – June 8 (She passed out)
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I Feng shui’d my wife after she passed out on the couch. That stuff really works! I feel so much less tense and frustrated now.
- As a dude, I have never had a period but I did eat an authentic bean burrito once – scary shit!
- Live & learn: There’s a huge difference between ‘Pilates’ and ‘Pirates’ instruction. My new $300 eye patch is pretty cool though – arrgh!
- Why make buxom pharmacy cashiers cry? If a sunscreen of SPF 60 is not “enough for you”, reapply every hour, or wear chainmail, dumbass!
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2010 – June 7 (Wait for iPhone 6)
- I will wait for iPhone 6 because with some luck, it will run Android.
- Tip! You never want to be “the dude at the end of the bar who once had sex with an orangutan.” Trust me on this – chicks hate it.
- If I can get her to scream, “Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Jesuuus!”, and she’s an atheist – she will do my laundry when asked, right?
- The neighbour is having a garage sale. There’s a market for used breast pumps? $20? Really? Got it for $3! Trying it now – it’s aaaaawesome!
- When she buys a box of whine, it’s to “relax” but when I buy one, it’s to “get her drunk so that I can have my way with her on the couch.”
- I’ll spell out the golf travel brochure your husband brought home: ‘A rich cultural heritage’ translates to ‘cheap hookers’. You’re welcome!
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2010 – June 6 (Seeing my shrink)
- I no longer feel ashamed seeing my shrink for being an obsessive masturbator and for burning down a sawmill. Thanks Twitter!
- My 5-year-old’s soccer team: 4 love soccer, 1 is into sticks, 3 adore pine cones, 2 are afraid of dark grass, 5 enjoy hugging waaay to much.
- The closest thing we have to a Hooters® in Montreal is the guy who’s fries all the bacon at our local 24/7 breakfast joint.
- People have been shouting “Tip her! Tip her!” for over a year. Not even Al Gore could take that.
- Betty White is a cougar no more! No, she’s not dead – just struggling to find a classy way of tweeting that she’s hotter than Lindsay Lohan.
- Remember when you were a teen, went horseback riding, and then washed the stallion real-good with warm soapy water? Yeah… Good times.
- Dear hairdresser lady, it hurts my feelings when you refer to me as Mr. Horse Cock. Honestly, I wash it every day.
- Last night I put the foot down and refused to sleep on the wet spot! Related: Who wants to adopt a 5-year-old with weak bladder control?
- I spent the day for a cause (ungrateful bastards). Really, Jesus must have been a saint, or he didn’t have anything better to do (Web porn).
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