- I rode the short bus tonight! Ok, it was to a volunteer dinner but I have to say, those traffic lights looked so pretty from INSIDE the bus.
- Steve or Emma, sorry for throwing up at the tweetup – your ass crack or lady-box had nothing to do with it. Tequila… #WhenDMsGoWrong
- You write a great tweet but forget the possessive noun – the most important part! Your balls shrink in panic and you need vodka. Yeah, that.
- I started, and was kicked out of, yoga classes on the same day. “You stay on your own damned mat, freak!” is just a money-grab excuse, right?
2010 – July 25 (The short bus)
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2010 – July 24 (Wife’s birth canal)
- Guys, don’t sweat it. You won’t need a ruler after a baby the size of a suitcase has passed through your wife’s birth canal. You are welcome!
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2010 – July 23 (Your areolas sweating)
- “Madame, if I may say, your areolas sweating through that 100% polyester blouse makes my tulip sprout.” Yeah, too old-fashioned, right?
- Coaching my son’s soccer team, I thought moms would be all over me – no! They are always, “The popsicles are for AFTER the game.” Bitches.
- I saw prairie dogs going at it on Animal Planet. First though: Why are they so damned jittery? Two: I wonder how Lindsay Lohan is doing?
- Working from home is not bad but I miss the office romances (or “hiding in the stalls of the women’s washrooms” as HR called it).
- Uterus? Labia? Fallopian Tubes? Perineum? Cliwhatever? Well, yeah, even a new kitchen faucet comes with a five-page manual.
- Have you ever woken up after a night out and noticed you have a spray tan on your ass only? I know… That can’t be good, can it?
- TV PSA: “Do you know where your kids are?” Heck, I have no idea… I’m so drunk I don’t even know whose car I drove home.
- I feel cheated when someone I follow changes their avi from boobs to an eyeball or Brad Pitt’s beard. Sometimes I even lose my erection.
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2010 – July 22 (In your urinal)
- When a dude suddenly throws up in YOUR urinal at the pub – ‘Irish bukkake’. This term was coined 15 minutes ago, after a shoe cleaning.
- Tip! You never want to be “That guy who was arrested for buying Girl Guide cookies while wearing only a half-eaten liquorice thong.”
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2010 – July 21 (On your pants)
- If the stripper leaves anything on your pants after a lap dance, it’s no longer technically a “dance”, okay? Write that down.
- So many stars… It’s like I’m Harry Potter and the wand just exploded in my pants, except that my “wand” is a piece of firewood. Thanks!
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2010 – July 20 (Marriage to dating)
- I prefer marriage to dating, because I no longer have to sit through romantic comedies featuring Hugh Grant before not getting laid.
- Ever since I learned to hum the theme song to The Benny Hill Show, I no longer feel aggressive when I see Sarah Palin. Try it.
- You kids wanted Aunt Jemima pancakes with chocolate chips for dinner? I’m sooo sorry… I thought I heard ‘lobster and scallop crepes’.
- Poker tonight! Which means, the odds of me also getting laid is at par with Kirstie Alley staying at her current dress size – asstronomical.
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2010 – July 19 (Hot and painful)
- The lawn was mowed finally and it was a hot and painful venture. All things considering, I think my wife did an okay job.
- Walked in to Walmart for a garden hose – walked out with toilet paper and fishing lures. Yes, I got distracted by all the skin disorders.
- Luckily, size isn’t everything to all women – being able to make a great, fluffy, omelette is nice too. Related: I suck at all omelettes.
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2010 – July 18 (The damned garbage)
- “No, YOU drag the damned garbage down to the curb, I’m reading tweets!” is what I was thinking… BRB… Dragging garbage down to the curb.
- I went looking for grenadine for the kids and was shocked to find an unopened bottle of Talisker whisky. Just like that. Best. Sunday. Ever.
- Mmmm… Eating roasted Iranian jumbo pistachios with saffron… Delicious! In the next conflict, they should hold those babies hostage.
- Im tryying to writ somethinn pervy an disgustiing but myy finngers keep slipping onn the keybooard.
- Clowns take a lot of abuse, which is unfair. Yes, they are soulless and smell funny but other than that, they are just like the rest of us.
- Sneaking upstairs and frying a garlic/thyme lamb chop in anchovy butter for third dessert is tempting… but what if SHE’S not asleep!?
- I always imagine sticking my gold stars on one of your butt cheeks and then slapping you on the other as friendly, ‘Thanks! More please…’
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2010 – July 17 (A hopeless romantic)
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A hopeless romantic is someone who accidentally makes the bed squeak too much before the kids are sound asleep, right?
- Pandora’s box contained all the evils of the word because ouzo made it impossible to keep her legs closed. – Zeus Beerhaze
- Roses are grey, Violets are grey but I have boner, yes, I bought Viagra from the guy down at the corner.
- Girlfriend: She steals your heart… Not a girlfriend: She steals your wallet and a kidney before discreetly exiting your hotel room…
- I love cleaning the garage with the kids because their nimble bodies easily squeeze in to tight places where rusty nails are hiding.
- That last scrumptious bite of my Sausage Egg McMuffin would not now sit in dog hair on the floor if I have had double D’s.
- There’s nothing I hate more than misspelled tattoos… Except perhaps face tattoos, prison tattoos and stepping in cat shit.
- Good morning! I’m feeling good. Tip: Guys, it doesn’t matter which one of the ‘Yours and Mine K-Y’ couples’ lubricants go in the hand.
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2010 – July 16 (Pee standing up)
- I finally got my 5-year-old to pee standing up! However, until he gets his aim right – many trips to the bathrooms at McDonald’s.
- Apple is giving away cases because of iPhone 4′s weak signal strengths. That’s like Toyota solving break problems with free umbrellas.
- Making sushi tonight… Riesling and Sake… Yes, if I play my cards right, she will be saying ‘thank you for all the hard work’ in bondage.
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