The most favourited @Beerhaze tweets to date on Favstar.
- Next time your sit at a McDonald’s playland and a parent asks you, “Which one is yours?” Say, “I haven’t picked one out yet!” It’s worth it.
- The best things in life are free: love… sex… seeing an uptight prick drop his iPad and squeal like a school girl.
- The guys are heading over to a strip club but I decided to stay home because I find it degrading to pay $8.50 for a bottle of beer.
- I prefer marriage to dating, because I no longer have to sit through romantic comedies featuring Hugh Grant before not getting laid.
- Hell hath no fury like a woman finding your porn.
- Windows 7 was not my idea. My idea was to give David Hasselhoff the cheese burger.
- I wonder what the Olsen twins didn’t eat for breakfast this morning?
- Starring your own tweet is the new, “Mommy and Daddy, come see what I did in the potty!” I know… It’s adorable.
- Things you should not bring up on a first date: (1) Necrophilia. (2) Golden Showers. (3) Felching (4) Beastiality. (5) Marriage.
- If the stripper leaves anything on your pants after a lap dance, it’s no longer technically a “dance”, okay? Write that down.
- I feel cheated when someone I follow changes their avi from boobs to an eyeball or Brad Pitt’s beard. Sometimes I even lose my erection.
- I think I’m drunk because the rug burns from crawling back and forth to the beer fridge should be killing me by now.
- When I was a teenager in the 1980s, a dildo looked like a… you know, dildo… When did the Klingon weaponry-looking things happen?
- My neighbour is in his garage using a blowtorch to burn crap off the lawnmower. I offered to help him by playing the banjo.
- My 4-year-old (as I was stepping in to the shower): “Daddy, your penis is HUGE!” Me: “Son, it’s all rela… Tell your friends’ mommies!”
- I tried to give myself the Tweet of the Day but accidentally starred myself. Awkward!
- “No, YOU drag the damned garbage down to the curb, I’m reading tweets!” is what I was thinking… BRB… Dragging garbage down to the curb.
- Larry King’s wife has now reportedly moved on… to beef jerky.
- Working from home is not bad but I miss the office romances (or “hiding in the stalls of the women’s washrooms” as HR called it).
- The lawn was mowed finally and it was a hot and painful venture. All things considering, I think my wife did an okay job.